Crafty Listening     

Values and Beliefs

On one of my treasure hunts i.e. book hunts of charity shops, I found a copy of   Wareham’s Way Escaping the Judas Trap by John Wareham, Atheneum 1983

Wareham has a wonderful way of thinking about humans being and how we can do differently - if we want to!
Here is what he says about  values, which certainly made me think. More that that, these ideas not only inform my thinking now,
I also introduce to people who attend my workshops as a basis for discussion about differences and disagreement,
and how the values that underpin and reinforce our arguments can make us intransigent.
  • A value is a belief that has no basis in fact
    A value is a judgment that cannot be proven. We can each present a case for or against the values we hold dear – equality, abortion, charity – but cannot prove they are right or wrong, good or bad. We judge according to the value we assign to ideas.
  • We are slaves to our values
    Values compel us to follow fixed paths, confine us in circles that we never chose for ourselves. We seldom try to free ourselves because we ‘know’ – subconsciously – that we can’t.
  •  Values are absorbed unconsciously, and held unconsciously
    We absorb our most basic beliefs by a process akin to osmosis. By observing and hearing our parents, carers, friends, we learn the ideas that will help us survive with a minimum of pain. These become the unconscious beliefs that underpin the subjective ‘maps’ that we experience as ‘reality.’
  • The most powerful values are acquired in childhood
    As we grow older, we may think that our old values have been jettisoned, but, often they have simply been repressed into the unconscious
  • Our values give us opinions on everything
    We don’t need to know anything to hold an opinion. Our values enable us to produce an endless steam of semi-programmed responses on almost any topic. These manufactured opinions are often out of synch with ‘reality’.
  • We tend to think our own beliefs are the only ones worth having.
  • Many of us believe we are ‘entitled’ to our opinions failing to understand that the idea of entitlement is yet another example of a value belief. Why should anyone be entitled to an opinion? Logically, if my value holds ‘true’, I should accept that you are entitled to your opinion!
  •  We feel the need to convert others to our central beliefs
    If we are absolutely certain about our beliefs, why are so often loud and aggressive in ‘defending’ them – or attacking different or opposing ideas?
  • Our values are rarely consistent
  • Many of our notions are unconsciously gathered from disparate sources. So it is quite normal for conflicting value constellations to exist inside our heads without us being aware of it.
  • Logic rarely changes values
    Pointing out logical flaws in someone’s opinions rarely makes hir change hir mind because you are trying to rearrange a program that is the very foundation of hir psyche. That programming will compel disagreement, even if we don’t really know why.
  • Rather than change our values, we deceive ourselves and others.
We have three quick ways to handle people who point out discrepancies between our words and our actions:
  • Reach for the elastic tape measure which we can stretch and twist it to accommodate anything we choose
  • Turn off the hearing aid as the MEGO syndrome turns our minds off
  • Seize the initiative: We raise our voice, get aggressive, insulting, sulky, threatening – even violent