Resolution, Not Conflict

Some folks in our dining room are consistently fun to talk with.  They tend to be the great listeners. 

Some folks are consistently unpleasant to interact with.  They appear to be deaf, showing little interest in what others say.  Or they may respond only to what they disagree with, making them quite disagreeable. 

This series of postings is the first of six.  Each subsequent posting will expand on one of the five key listening habits that I monitor for in my clinical practice, and that I observed for better and for worse in the dining hall today. This posting offers an initial listing of what's ahead in the series.

1. The Hungry Listener:  A hungry listener has a real appetite for learning others' perspectives, for finding out what's going on in others' lives, and for caring about others.  By contrast, narcissists are anorectic when it comes to listening.  They have little interest or willingness to engage in others' worlds. 
2. The Hunter: Exploring with open-ended how and what questions, a good hunter has a knack for asking the kinds of questions that lead to fascinating conversations. 
3. The Gatherer: Thinking out loud about what you have heard enables you to be nourished by new data, new thoughts, new insights and understandings.  It enables you then to do something with the data like attach it to formerly held ideas, creating a new file, or in some other way registering the information you have heard in your internal data pool. At the same time, chewing on and digesting aloud the data you have taken in indicates to your conversation partner that you care about what you have heard
4. The Problem-Solver: Listening to understand underlying concerns is key to creating win-win solutions.  A hungry listener with hunting and gathering skills plus the ability to track down underlying concerns has highest odds of being able to sustain strong positive relationships at home and at work. 
5. The Porous Listener-Porousness referse to the extent to which there are openings in a membrane.  Porousness in listening refers to the extent to which you are open to receiving new information.  If by contrast automatically you habitually spit out or close your mouth to new data that people try to feed you, you will end up starved for personal connection as well as under-nourished in terms of new ideas.  This walled-off kind of listener is the antithesis of the hungry, hunting, gathering and problem-solving porous listener that people enjoy talking with.

What's so important about listening skills? 

When people talk about having a "great relationship," in addition to how much positivity they convey to each other they in large part are referring to how openly they listen to each other.  A huge part of feeling connected with someone entails feeling that when you speak, the other person cares about what you think and feel. 

To the extent that loving is listening, a great listener is a great lover.

How would you rate yourself on your listening habits? 

Here's a self-assessment quiz. 

Score yourself on each question as 1 (the statement is not true for me at all), 2 (I mildly disagree), 3 (I partly agree and partly disagree with the statement), 4 (I mildly agree), or 5 (the statement is totally true for me) .

___ 1. I prefer talking to listening to what others may say.

___ 2. It mostly doesn't occur to me to ask questions.

___ 3. When others are talking I'm often thinking about what I'll say next.

___ 4. The main point of talking is to impress people, or at least to entertain them.

___ 5. My perspective is usually right, so if others disagree, I convince them to see it my way. 

___ 6. It bothers me when people get their facts wrong.

___ 7. It's important to point out when people are wrong about something.

___ 8. Most people are boring, so I usually need to do most of the talking if the conversation is going to be interesting.

___ Total score

If your score, or a score you might give a loved one, suggests a skills upgrade would be helpful, please feel welcome to take the more detailed free assessment on my marriage skills website at PowerOfTwo.com. 

I also have written about listening skills in my book The Power of Two, and the accompanying practice manual called The Power of Two Workbook.  I hope you find these helpful as well.