The negative connotations of ‘crafty’ e.g. deviousness and manipulation, underhandedness, deception, cunning or wiliness are countered by such qualities as skilfulness, dexterity, ingenuity, subtlety; surely the very essence of rapport building?

Crafty listening is useful wherever - and with whomever - hard work or happenstance place us when we choose to take responsibility for our contribution to the quality and process of our communication.

By actively seeking to understand where other people are ‘coming from’ and where they would like to go, we can facilitate them to express fluently their fears and anxieties or their hopes and disappointments so that communication and connectedness are more likely to flow well. And that is what, in principle and on purpose, crafty listening helps us to do.

This is not altruistic self-denial, it is enlightened self-interest. Enlightened because it banishes shadows, helping all parties – potentially at least - to see more clearly.

And in our own interest because, on the premise that ‘we are in it together’, by replacing ‘me’ with ‘we’, we can dismantle barriers and build bridges across differences so that, together, we can move toward a more compelling future!

Curious

The essence of Curiosity is a sense of wonder. Too often we tell people what we think they ought to know, instead of gathering high value information that helps them find answers and resources for themselves. This usually leaves all parties so frustrated, that the only options seem to be fight, flight or freeze.

To move or motivate people, to coach them in the healthy art of constructive selfishness, we need to understand or intuit how they arrived at this point in their journey, and determine what keeps them stuck.

Skilful curiosity, which involves judicious questioning of the kind that Nancy Kline, James Lawley, Penny Tomkins, Susan Scott[1] and others advocate and teach, can unlock potential so that energy flows freely.

Responsive

Tuning in to the richness of pauses, hearing the secrets that silence might hold. Seeing the weight of pain that is engulfed by anger, tasting the bitterness that is the legacy of betrayal, listening to people in the full knowledge that our inability to make sense of their incomprehensible, incoherent ramblings might be an indication of our own limitations!

And constantly to remain as fully aware as possible of what is going on in our own head, heart and gut!

Assertive

 Assertiveness, which is linked to self-esteem and self-assurance, is an essential aspect of effective and empowering communication. Many people are poor communicators and worse listeners because they have an endless cacophony on internal chatter that, effectively, drowns out external sounds. Or, lack of self-esteem often underpins and reinforces lack of respect, empathy, patience or consideration for others.

Focused

What we focus on grows. Crafty listening requires one of the five key components of Emotional Intelligence[2] - the ability to focus on what’s going on in our own head, heart and gut – thoughts, feelings, and actions. Focusing on and wondering about what’s beneath the surface of other people utterances, silences and non-verbal communication can make people fascinating. To be genuinely interested and fully engaged - without getting enmeshed - in what others are or are not saying, doing and being – can help them to think and function more effectively. Nancy Kline tells us that people’s ability to think clearly is directly influenced by the quality of our attention.[3]

Thoughtful

Diffferent contexts and contingencies can make listening [seem] impossible or redundant. Sadly, many people are so self-important, or consider themselves so unimportant, that real or imagined inequities and power-positions preclude their willingness to speak or readiness to hear. We (mis)interpret, mis-hear, interrupt, interfere, argue, discount, deny or dismiss and, in countless ways, prevent other people from finishing a sentence, developing an argument, exploring an idea or adequately expressing themselves. We can hinder people simply by listening autobiographically! Crafty listening, at first, requires an effort of mindfulness, focus and self-awareness, whilst still paying attention and respect to others.

Think about it!

 YES!

 I can! You can! We will!

Based on the notion of Intelligent Optimism, i.e. not wearing rose tinted glasses, not denying ‘reality’ (whose?), nor pursuing an unrealistic Shangri-La.

Intelligent optimists adjust to problems, even as they seek to create opportunities. They learn from mistakes, deal with obstacles and then move forward. They choose to focus on and enjoy what they can grasp rather than feel depressed and demoralised by what they can’t change or influence. They believe that every problem has (at least the beginning of) a solution – and that inspiration can be found in searching for that solution.

Four Choices

Of course, we still have to deal with the reality of people and situations that cause pain and pressure, and the niceties of crafty listening might seem somewhat idealistic. Well, they are and I am idealistic.

When we feel attacked, or under siege, we have four ways of reacting: fight, flee, freeze or flow.  Crafty listening is about flow, about continuous progression, moving freely, and being abundantly present!

Indeed, a spirit of abundant presence rather nicely sums up the energy that fuels and the motivation that impels the crafty listener.

Done well and for benign and abundant reasons, crafty listening enables other people to be abundantly present so that we can devote energy to co-creating a spirit of abundance in the space that grows between us

Extraordinary things, miracles of love, can flow from such encounters.