The Art and Craft of Exquisite Listening                                                      

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Curious Responsiveness Assertiveness Focused Thoughtfulness Yes!

I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother
to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift would be curiosity. 
Eleanor Roosevelt

The essence of Curiosity is a sense of wonder. Too often we tell people what we think they ought to know, instead of gathering high value information to assist them to find their own wisdom and resources. This usually leaves all parties frustrated enough that fight, flight or freeze seem the only options.

To move or motivate people, to coach them in the healthy art of constructive selfishness, we need to understand or intuit how they arrived at this point in their journey, and determine what keeps them stuck.

Not being interrupted, interpreted, rephrased means they, literally, have time to think - but they don't really know how (yet), because the silence as you wait patiently for them to fully experience their own inner world can momentarily deafen them to their inner voice.

Sadly and ironically, the shadows and echoes of childhood and adolescence generate fear of critical disapproval that prevents many people from seeing the familiar in new ways, from listening with an open mind. Looking foolish, feeling rejected or ridiculed, frightens and freezes people so much that they forever shy away from the new, the different, the strange, confining themselves to the narrow comfort zone of the path most traveled! At work or at home, in love affairs, teams meetings, in recent or long-established relationships, many people resist any challenges to their world view, defending their bedrock assumptions and cherished maps against all ‘attacks’ by trying to persuade or bully others to their version of events.

I prefer to stay curious and keep questing rather than lose a sense of wonder!

Remain curious; constantly ask questions of yourself and of others, even if you cannot always satisfy your curiosity. As with so many attitudes and actions that underpin crafty listening, both competence and confidence (will and skill) are necessary.

Discovering that we are not up to the task (conscious incompetence) can make
us reluctant to put in the effort because we don't know whether we'll get a good enough return on our investment!

It is more than useful to [be able to] ask questions to which we don’t [think we] already know the answers. Questions that are not predicated on our own ‘maps’ (metaphors, assumptions, paradigms and sensibilities).

Curiosity Responsive Assertiveness Focus Thoughtfulness Yes!

Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners.
Laurence Sterne

Tuning in to the richness of pauses, hearing the secrets that silence might hold. Seeing the weight of pain that is engulfed by anger, tasting the bitterness that is the legacy of betrayal, listening to people in the full knowledge that our inability to make sense of their incomprehensible, incoherent ramblings might be an indication of our own limitations! And constantly to remain fully aware of what is going on in our own head, heart and gut!

That ain't easy! But it certainly is worth it!

All too often, we are reactive instead of responsive. The latter, to my mind, implies choice. The former is often nothing more than adrenalin driven, knee-jerk mindlessness.

Focusing on our breathing is always going to serve us well. Focusing on the bigger picture, or listening to the silences, or having enough self-awareness to recognise, anticipate and prepare for when our buttons are being pushed can help us to stop and think about the response that is most likely to keep the communication flowing.

Curiosity Responsiveness AssertiveFocused Thoughtfulness Yes!

The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behaviour affect the rights and well being of others
Sharon Anthony Bower

Assertiveness, which is linked to self-esteem and self-assurance, is an essential aspect of effective and empowering communication. Many people are poor communicators and worse listeners because they have an endless cacophony on internal chatter that, effectively, drowns out external sounds. Lack of self-esteem often underpins and reinforces lack of respect, empathy, patience or consideration for others.

Curiosity Responsiveness Assertiveness  Focused Thoughtfulness Yes!

"If I seem insensitive to what you're going through, Captain, understand: it's the way I am."
The Enemy Within

What we focus on grows. Crafty listening requires one of the five key components of emotional intelligence - the ability to focus on what’s going on in our own head, heart and gut – thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Focusing on and wondering about what’s beneath the surface of other people utterances, silences and non-verbal communication can make people fascinating.

To be genuinely interested and fully engaged - without getting enmeshed - in what others are or are not saying, doing and being – can help them to think and function more effectively.

Nancy Kline tells us that people’s ability to think clearly is directly influenced by the quality of our attention.

Consider the awesome implications of that!

The way we pay attention to other people can immediately influence whether or not they will function intelligently!

Curiosity Responsiveness Assertiveness FocusedThoughtful Yes!

 People may doubt what you say, but they will believe what you do.
Lewis Cass

Different contexts and contingencies can make listening [seem] impossible or redundant. Sadly, many people are so self-important, or consider themselves so unimportant, that real or imagined inequities and power-positions preclude their willingness to speak or readiness to hear.

We (mis)interpret, mis-hear, interrupt, interfere, argue, discount, deny or dismiss and, in countless ways, prevent other people from finishing a sentence, developing an argument, exploring an idea or adequately expressing themselves.

We can hinder people simply by listening autobiographically! Crafty listening, at first, requires an effort of mindfulness, focus and self-awareness, whilst still paying attention and respect to others.  

Think about it!
Michael Mallows

Curiosity Responsiveness Assertiveness Focus Thoughtfulness YES!

Science may have found a cure for most evils; but is has found no remedy for the worst of them all - the apathy of human beings.
Helen Keller

Based on the notion of Intelligent Optimism i.e. .not wearing rose tinted glasses, not denying ‘reality’ (whose?), nor pursuing an unrealistic Shangri-La, Intelligent Optimists adjust to problems even as they seek to create opportunities.

They learn from mistakes, deal with obstacles, then move forward. They choose to focus on and enjoy what they can grasp rather than feel depressed and demoralised by what they can’t change or influence. They believe that every problem has (at least the beginning of) a solution – and that inspiration can be found in searching for that solution.

Given that what we focus on grows, utilising any of the models and methods available (well-formed outcomes, meta-modelling, NLP, appreciative inquiry and many more) it is possible to develop our own and other people's emotional intelligence:
1. Knowing one's emotions (self-awareness - recognizing feeling as they happen)
2. Managing emotions (the ability of handling feelings so they are appropriate)
3. Motivating oneself (marshalling emotions in the service of a goal)
4. Recognizing emotions in others (empathy, social awareness)
5. Handling relationships (skill in managing emotions in others)

craftylistening@gmail.com for more info on Clean & Crafty events.

    Fierce Conversations Susan Scott ISBN 0 7499 2397

Crafty listening encourages such an attitude in every day discourse, debate or argument. Being able and willing to put aside, even momentarily, what we imagine or assume, so that our questions might elicit fresh information instead of a cul-de-sac of confirmation, is a gift to the other person and liberating for us.

Ponder – or remember - how it is to gaze upon the world with the eyes of a curious child; to be transfixed by dewdrops on cobwebs, transported by the colours of a rainbow, enchanted by the magic of neologisms, or words heard for the first time, tingle with the delight of discovering new or hidden meanings, nuances, subtleties in books or conversations.

Also powerful is David Grove’s Clean Language and I strongly recommended the vast resources of the Clean Language Collection.

 
From Nancy Kline’s elegant Thinking Session comes the superb question
“What else do you think, feel or want to say about that?”It encourages people to think more clearly and speak more intelligibly. Bear in mind, though, that many people have seldom if ever experienced a truly high quality of attention, and it might disconcert them at first.