Below is an example of how one parent applied Crafty Listening

"He just winds me up! Won't tell me where he's going, who he's with, nothing! All he ever says is, "I'm watching this programme!" or, "Can't you see I'm going out?"

"Whoa, back up a little," I said, gently, to this frazzled and frustrated mother of a stroppy 14 year old!"If that'show responds, what does that suggest you might need to do differently to make a difference?"

"I can't think of anything, I've tried everything!"

"Well, you've tried every thing you could imagine so far, however, the fact that you are here indicates that you hope for more ideas, doesn't it?"

"I suppose so..."

"And I can and will give you some tips and techniques that will work, but I'm afraid you're going to have to work for them!"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I wiill not just give you quick-fixes or 'solutions'; you have to do some of the thinking for yourself."

"But I can't think of anything - I can't even think clearly any more!"

"Not at the moment, I do understand that. And if you are not going to go crazy because you're son is a brick wall right now, you can imagine a time when you are able to think clearly because that is how you will stay grounded when he is driving you up the wall!"

"I don't know," she replied, "it seems I'm doing every things wrong!"

"Well, that's possible, sure. It is certainly the case that what you're doing isn't working the way you'd like it to. And he is clearly not yet ready for conversations or discussion with you."

So we explored, I coached and she rehearsed how crafty listening might help her to respond, rather than (over)react to her son who, after all, was just doing his horrible job as an adolescent i.e. asserting his individuality and uniqueness.
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For any of us, it is a good idea to start as early as possible. That is, begin tuning in first thing in the morning, and putting ourselves into a resourceful state of mind. 

That might require that we think, feel and act differently. I can anticipate your groan! You've certainly already tried everything with little success and a whole lot of stress! However, like most parents and others who live or work with traumatising teenagers, you have probaby and understandable been defining 'success' as change in the adolescent.

I am suggesting you redefine success as change in your self! Not because you are to blame, not because it is all your fault, not because your impossible child should be allowed to get away with it, simply because, if what you are doing is not working, it might be that what you are doing is not working!

In the endless battles between generations - adult/adolescent - the younger person seems inaccessible. S/he may hear but doesn't listen. S/he may take your money but not accept your love. At least, not in a way that feels to you like acknowledgment or appreciation. And do not fool yourself that you don't want to be appreciated, valued, validated. You want that as much as your child does.
Of course, right now, you might settle for a little less agresssion, a better night's sleep, a safer environment, but do not deny your right to have your own needs met. Crafty Listening won’t work every time of course, and not for everyone, naturally! But it can make a difference to YOUR mood; even if your kids are still as obstructive and obnoxious as you possibly were at their age (Or was that just me?).

As I said above, it is good to start as early as possible e.g. at the start of the day, with the CRAFTY elements in mind so that you are not at the effect of your child. Be the cause of your mood so that you are not controlled by your teenager's mood. Focus on being in control of your state so that you can be responsive rather than aggressive.

I also mean that it is good to start Crafty listening as early as possible in the child’s life. starting at the toddler stage helps prepare the child, and you, for the few short years between the child's total dependence and, if you're lucky, adoration of parents as godlike figures, and the onset (onslaught?) of puberty. Listening skillfully in the preteen stage increases the likelihood that your child will confide in you in early adolescence, maybe even in mid to late teens.

Most adolescents, even the meanest, moodiest, most horrible, vicious and dangerous, revert to at least an uneasy alliance with their parents as they approach their twenties. Some, of course, remain adolescents for the rest of their lives, and most of us are capable of stroppy, sulky, moody manipulations, are we not? So, if you haven’t started listening yet, really listening, Right Now is as good a time as any!

Please understand that even people whose job requires good listening skills are often very bad listeners! I mostly teach these skills to managers, teachers, supervisors, police-officers, therapists, people who chair or facilitate meetings, social workers, mediators, etc., and many of them are not good listeners at all.

Crafty Listeners are Curious, Responsive, Assertive, Focused, and Thoughtful with a Yes! attitude. 

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