Healing Responses vs Hurtful Reactions

Crafty Listening can help you to stay focused, to rise above your frustrations and, as you rise, lift your child with you. Hurtful reactions to a child’s distressed or distressing behaviours, even if the adult has a positive intent, are understandable, not least because the distress of the adoptive parents or foster carers is all too easily restimulated by what the child says and does. However, those reactions can reinforce the mistrust, shame, guilt, etc. that underpins the attachment difficulties, thus creating a hurtful loop. This can be more complex and more painful when issues of racial identity are factored in, especially if the racial dimension is denied or discounted. * HATE! Strong word, isn't it? And shocking to many people's / parents' / carers' ears and hearts. I want to help carers and parents to realise that the pain a child feels when we deprive them of a sense of loving connection is so deep, and so pervasive that the love we declare simply does not register in their awareness. One of the best ways to get the message across to parents who are suffering the worst of a child's aggression, violence and, let's face it, hatred, is to help the parents take a different look at their own hurt, frustration, sense of powerlessness, uselessness, rage, etc. I encourage parents and carers to see their own pain as a pale reflection of the pain their child is suffering. Does this mean the child or teenager should be allowed to do what ever they like? Of course not! Does his mean the parent or carer is 'to blame'? No, but it does require that adults learn how to stop 'being at the effect' of their children's pain. I think  blame/shame/guilt/ fault thinking keeps people in the hateful loop that maintains the problems that detroy so many relationships. I am mostly interested in helping people to decide who wants to stop, then helping them to develop the necessary skills and awareness to act and react differently.

Read each columns downward. Erikson's model of attachment may be familiar to you, but many people who've attended workshop, lectures or training on attachment often forget the theory when they're faced, yet again, with a snarling teen who's making life hell. The third column is the key one; it suggests the most effective response in terms of helping your child develop.    Erikson Challenging behaviour can stem from:-  Mallows Understandable reactions to challenging behaviour can include:- Healthy attachment Hurt and Fear that reinforces Healing responses Hurtful and hateful* reactions such as  Trust  Mistrust  Toward  Away  Autonomy  Shame  Proactive  Reactive  Initiative  Guilt  Purposeful  Pointless  Industry  Inferiority  Enabling  Disenabled  Identity  Confusion  Acceptance  Rejection  Intimacy  Isolation  Inclusion  Exclusion  Creativity  Stagnation  Caring  Uncaring  Integrity  Despair  Wise  Woolly