Be Perfect Be Strong Try Hard Hurry Up Please Others
Many of our [childhood] survival
strategies DRIVE us to think, feel and behave in ways that result in
significant stress. When this such behaviour becomes habitual, it is self
perpetuating and the stress accumulates to the point of distress.
The five items listed above BP / BS / TH / HU / PY; I must Please You {or You should Please Me!} are, according to the notion of Transactional Analysis, are known as Drivers
When people’s distress patterns prevail, the limiting beliefs that underpin and reinforce ‘Drivers’ literally compel undesirable and unhealthy behaviours, impair communication, impact on personal and professional relationships and further exacerbate stress.
Work becomes tedious, meeting become onerous, relationships become difficult and job satisfaction is, at best, minimal.
Think of ‘Drivers’ as internal messages that keep us trapped in strategies that were necessary when we were truly dependent on others, mainly parents or parent figures, for our emotional, physical, psychological well-being.
Of course Drivers continue to serve a purpose; the problem is that they also keep us trapped in patterns that, ultimately, do not serve the best of what we can be as intelligent, experienced adult human beings.
In short, Drivers inhibit Emotional Intelligence by reducing self-awareness, self-management, self motivation, social awareness and relationship management...
Drivers can make us predictable, anxious, fretful, fearful and timid. They can drive us to threaten or sulk in our attempts to manipulate others. They can keep us silent when we need to speak – adult to adult – or make us talk when it would be better to stay quiet and to listen instead!
Drivers lead us into blind alleys, cause us to persist in repetitive and futile squabbles, make us very mean-spirited or exceedingly narrow minded. They result in bigotry, prejudice and psycho-sclerosis (a hardening of the attitudes!).
There are six Drivers, determined in childhood as a set of values and beliefs underpinning behaviour that helps to maintain important relationships.
Many (most?) people have a tendency to conflate beliefs and values in such a way that the idea of fundamental (personal) change is anathema to them, so reducing the effects of Drivers is not at all easy.
However, it is possible and the cost of NOT doing something about them is high – even terminal!
Witness how many people continue to behave in ways they know to be highly dangerous and potentially lethal e.g. prescribed and illicit intake of toxic substances.
It is potentially
life-affirming to recognise how your own and other people’s Drivers affect
states of mind and the quality of any communication. It is also useful to learn
how to be more effective in your dealings with others – and with yourself - by
becoming less Driven.
B