Descriptive Praise

“Well done!” “Good girl!”

“I’m very pleased with the work you did!”                                                              

After running a training session or work shop, people might approach me with some positive comment about the experience e.g. "Thank you Michael, that was really inspiring / enjoyable / helpful." I thank them, of course, partly because praise is gratifying on a professional level and, let's be honest, it also pleases my ego! Then I'll ask, "How specifically was it inspiring?" Or, "What in particular made it enjoyable for you?" Or "Describe how it will be helpful in your life?" These questions are intended to re-direct attention to the specifics which will, I believe, help consolidate learning or to direct attention toward putting the learning into practice after the training.

Enjoyed the meal, thanks.”

People with low self-esteem or problems with healthy attachment easily discount vague, non-specific, well-intended praise. Discounted praise fails to nourish or nurture self-esteem, which means your good intentions do little good! Children, teenagers and adults who lack a robust ego often equate their behaviour with their identity and question any praise, particularly if it is non-specific, no matter how sincere.  They can convert almost any compliment or statement about their behaviour as a comment or criticism on the very essence of who they are.

Descriptive praise describes a specific behaviour to the person engaged in that behaviour. [“Thank you for putting all your clothes in the wardrobe before leaving the house”.  "Doing your home-work before turning on the TV. was excellent. Well done!" "I appreciate the way you kept your voice down when X was being so obnoxious to you this morning."].

Identity level statements suggest that a specific behaviour defines the whole person [“You’re a decent human being for doing the work!" You are a bad person for making a mistake!"].

Descriptive praise has no sting in the tail, is not sarcastic [“Well, I see you managed to stay quiet – for a change!”], and no ‘Buts…’ [“No, you didn’t join in this time, but you usually do!]. Such comments discourage and often demean the recipient, are frequently spiteful and replace the potential benefits of descriptive praise with the probably harmful effects of emotionally driven power plays.

Indulging yourself, and blaming your child is understandable, but spitefulness usually means you are playing psychological Games. We all do a lot of that, partly as a defence mechanism in a given situation or relationship, or as a survival strategy that we learn when we were very young.

Such Games often include a desire to generate hurtful thoughts and feelings in others. We want them to know how we feel in the hope that they will stop making us feel bad by behaving badly.

Mostly, we don't think about it that way, of course, but that's because, on most occasions, we are so full of sadness, anger or fear that we don't think about it all! Few people are willing to acknowledge the underlying nastiness of their emotionally driven thoughts and actions. Even if we recognise it as such, we can usually justify it quite easily.

Most of us do the best we know how - at the time.  The underlying 'stuff' is usually completely out of our awareness.

Games People Play

Of course adults will ‘win’(!) these psychological Games from time to time, maybe every time, but every time we 'win', it is at the emotional, psychological, spiritual and psychological expense of the person who 'loses'.

The 'winner' gets to feel triumphant, to regain a sense of power through the illusion of control, perhaps even the satisfaction of having made the other person suffer. Many are appalled to realise how many of our battles and sulks are vengeful and spiteful, intended to cause the other as much pain as possible.  When we love the person we’re hurting, our pain increases with our ‘successes'.

Sure, we’ve ‘got back at them’ by retaliating in kind. At what cost? And what example do we set when we play these Games? These dreary, dreadful power plays squander countless opportunities to validate the other person, and to build bridges instead of walls. We chose to hurt instead of heal.

In short, every player loses!

Giving descriptive praise encourages a positive sense of self in the recipient and in the giver. It helps them to feel good about what they do, and to believe in their potential. It says to them "I witness, acknowledge and celebrate your actions."

Describing behaviour in specific detail often generates more of the described behaviour. Not all the time and not immediately, maybe not even quickly, and maybe never! The person who is able and willing to use descriptive praise requires a generosity of spirit that, sometimes at least, counters the meanness of spirit triggered by undesirable and unacceptable behaviour. This, in turn, reduces the likelihood of echoing and reflecting the stressful, critical, contemptuous attitudes and feelings of the dysfunctional other. If you do mirror the attitudes and actions of the dysfunctional other, then, by definition, you are dysfunctional!

It makes it easier to increase people’s ability to relate in ways that are community-minded, mutually beneficial and life enhancing.  Because pure descriptive praise describes what can be heard, felt or seen, it is not so easily refuted, and is more likely to impact on the recipient by lifting their spirits and nourishing them.

Focus on the negative and you’ll find evidence to support a negative bias in you and others. The same is true of the positive; focus on it and you’ll find, reinforce – or create – more of it! Both exist simultaneously. Develop the art of intelligent optimism, and demonstrate your values by the manner in which you teach, talk, coach, mentor and praise.